Last Exit for Reality

Its almost Christmas and I'm still trying to get off my pain pills. Its been a long and emotional battle. I'm now off the morphine completely but still taking Oxycodone daily. I was taking 10/650mg of Oxycodone along with 60 mg of morphine three times a day. After three months I'm now down to only taking 5/325 mg of Oxy three times a day.

Some days now are hard to get through with this dose, the pain and drug withdraw come often. I always thought that I could get off these drugs in a couple of weeks. I guess I was kidding myself. I've been on the drugs now for about 2 years. I tried cold turkey and that lasted two hours. The chest pains and withdrawal were too much for me to handle.

I was told by both of my doctors that doing cold turkey would probably kill me because of the open heart surgery less than 8 months ago. Those who know me knew that I would try it anyway.

I now have to deal with withdrawal and serious bouts of depression. When the dose of medication runs out or I forgot to take the next dose all hell breaks out. First withdrawal comes within an hour then comes anger, sometimes beyond my control. So far I've been able to deal with it and understand whats going on and realize it's my medication.

I have been dealing with depression for the last 20 years, it has had its ups and downs. It's taken me over 10 years to get it under control. My depression started getting worse again with the introduction of the pain pills. Over the years I have learned the signs and know what might be causing it and how deal with it. Now that I'm trying to get off the pills the depression is becoming harder and harder to deal with. I can be reading, watching TV, listening to music and the depression comes over me.

The doctor has now given me Valium to deal with the depression. The drug sorta works but I only take it when the depression is already happening. It's just another drug I will have to deal with later. I know there are lots of other drugs on the market to take for depression but I have tried most of these over the past years. Mnny cause me serious side effects. Side effects ranging from feelings of suicide to wanting to hurt people.

Many years ago I had a partner who had very similar problems. He had killed a woman and her child by mistake and suffered a serious hip injury during the altercation. I will post this case after the holidays.